Fine. I'll sleep in my office
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
