Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Randomize
