Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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