just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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