the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
