Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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