what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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