9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
