laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
