I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
