Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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