That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
