I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
