right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
