Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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