she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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