He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
