I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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