saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
