I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
