....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
