found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
