You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Randomize
