Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
