Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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