Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
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