Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
