Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
