i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
