You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
