If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Alive.
So much puke
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
