I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
