Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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