and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
