I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Randomize
