I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
