i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
