hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
do nipples grow back?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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