I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
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