I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Randomize
