My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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