you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
