I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
