god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
