I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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