I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
