I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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