I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
