my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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