i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
My bed smells like the plague
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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