Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
