I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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