i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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