You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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